“Paul Oneball”

My friend Paul — “Paul Oneball” — has been a body modification enthusiast for his entire life, but a few years ago discovered he had cancer, which due to complications resulted in extensive damage to his genitals as well as the loss of a testicle. During the process of healing, he discovered the underground world of silicone injection, which he used to reconstruct his scrotum. His shaft was too scarred to accept silicone, but he’s become an active enthusiast and promoter of silicone work as the moderator of an online discussion group for men interested in injection. His story is an excellent example of the therapeutic and healing value of body modification.

I’m publishing this interview as an introduction to the lighter end of silicone enhancement — as we chat about a little in this interview, many individuals have pushed themselves much farther and into almost alien territory… Those interviews will follow in the future.

“No wonder that I get some strange looks when I go out on my bike.”

Tell me a little about yourself and how you got into body modification?

I was born in 1954 in the UK on the South Coast and sent off as a child to boarding school, where I was raped by a teacher and moved to another boarding school. I was very interested in body modifications then — from 1970 onwards — but could not find out much about it. PFI Quarterly and Gauntlet later became an inspiration. I did my own PA, and subsequently met Alan Oversby (Mr. Sebastian).

During this time I was training as, and then qualified as a lawyer. I fell in love, married — still am — and started a family. Body modifications were very much in the background. When our family was big enough, I went in for the second commonest male body modification — vasectomy. When the surgeon did the procedure, he found cancer. One ball was lost and I acquired a nasty infection. The end result was an even more drastic, involuntary body modification, which ended in extensive skin grafting (the skin come from my hips). I suppose the effect is rather like that of a radical circumcision — which is basically what they had to do to stop the infection spreading — it was that or amputation.

Did you have much sensation or mobility damage after the grafts?

I have no “skin” feeling along the shaft, although I can fell pressure from the remaining nerves in the underlying tissue. The skin has no mobility it was grafted directly to the base layers in most places.

I came to BME, to see how others coped with semi-castration and so on, and rediscovered silicone. At first I went in for the procedure to replace what I had lost, but it felt so good on me (and still does) that I went back for a little more, and a little more, and now I have 500ccs. My wife is pleased because it’s given me back the confidence I lost. I believe that we need mainstream recognition for the silicone procedure, which is far safer and simpler than the insertion of a prosthesis.

We hear all the time about silicone work being risky — you think it’s safer than a prosthesis, even a simple fake testicle?

Whoever said a prosthesis was safe? All surgery carries risks — as I know all too well. There can be allergic reactions to the “neuticle” unless it is very rigid and smooth, which does not leave a realistic effect. The issue with silicone is the problem of removal if anything goes wrong. If I lose my scrotum, so what? I’ve faced worse.

“Whether or not I’m pleased to see you, the bulge stays.”

Let’s go back to the beginning — tell me about when you did your PA?

I did it using a leather punch, twisting a leather bootlace around the handles — like a Spanish windlass — to force the jaws closed through my penis. It worked very well and I wear a 7mm segment ring in the hole. My PA gives me some sensation which I lost due to the grafts. In addition, the PA was very useful for the surgeon doing the skin grafts — it gave him something to grip on to and which could have traction applied whilst the grafts were healing. Luckily the pre-op nurses did not remove it as they wanted to.

What made you want the PA in the first place?

Possibly what I read in the Kama Sutra, together with issues of self-harm after the rape (the perpetrator hung himself). Also, the PA gave me back control — I did this to myself for my own pleasure. From reading other people’s experiences it seems there are quite a few of us in the same boat — going for a modification as a method of resolving a major physical or emotional trauma.

Perhaps that’s true — do you mind telling me more?

I’m referring to the custom of removing digits to express grief, and the self-harm desires of abused kids. Professionally I had a lot to do with boys taken into “care” by the authorities in our area, who were then thoroughly buggered by the guy running the home where they were put. He even sold them on to his cronies. Yuck. A number of these boys were seriously into self harm, body mods, and tattoos — and some found it helped them get back a feeling of control over their bodies, and their lives.

When you had the liquid silicone injected, what procedure was used?

The silicone is put in using a silicone cannula, and is pumped in through an infusion line, so that the syringe pump can be refilled without disturbing the cannula. I have seen a guy take 500ccs in his sack in one go — he already had 500ccs there already — and the result was extraordinary, and a very visible modification. For me, the weight and bulk of the silicone is very pleasing.

Have you ever thought about a subincision to expose more nerves?

My wife and and I have looked very seriously at this — she is a veterinary surgeon. The two drawbacks are getting enough skin to heal to the cut edges of the urethra and the probability of bladder infections. I had enough of those living with catheters etc.

What about vacuum pumping to help expand the tissue?

Pumping is a difficult issue because they took out the lymph gland in my left groin as well.
Another guy I’ve been talking to was into complete cock skinning — !!! — and of course was left with an intensely scarred and shortened penis, about 50% of the original length. His approach was far more radical — he would cut strips out of the scar tissue and pull it apart, letting it fill in with additional tissue as it healed [editor’s note: this is an upcoming interview]. Over time, he got back all of the length… Not that I recommend this method, and I doubt everyone could heal from it.

Apart from pumping I had a lot of traction and massage to persuade the skin graft scars to stretch enough to give a reasonable erection. Like I said earlier, this was where my PA really came in useful. The surgeon was very encouraging, but a couple of his juniors were seriously upset about the PA.

I see a lot of silicone guys that go very far with silicone work and really have extremely large genitals that must impact their day-to-day lives to some extent — do you ever worry that you’ll go “too far”? Not that I have a problem with “too far”!

After a lot of heart searching, I feel I have gone far enough with the silicone. Any more will start to affect my everyday life, whilst now I can dress to minimize, as well as maximize, the effect. It is something that the practitioner and I have discussed at length — along with other guys who have visited for silicone. A few conversations come to mind…

One man — we’ll call him Peter — has always had a fantasy from childhood of grossly swollen genitals. Silicone gave him the opportunity, and after the practitioner’s first session, he, Peter, having access to all the kit as a medical professional, has gone further and further, until now he is impinging on his working life. He is happy though that he has achieved his obsessional fantasy, and his genitals are forever swollen, to a massive extent — he carries well over 2000 ccs. Mark Savage (www.siliconefreak.com) has set out to go to the extreme. Now he cannot hide what he has done and uses it as a selling point — he is in the sex trade. He cannot use his penis for penetrative sex.

Last night I was having dinner with three guys. Two had been siliconed, and one wanted to go further, but his boyfriend who didn’t have any silicone was against this as he felt it would be cutting down his partner’s options. By all means be big, so big that it would be obvious in intimate situations, but do not go so far that it might prejudice the non-sex side of life and relationships. This is the attitude I have — any more and I might embarrass my sons (not that I don’t embarrass them already) and prejudice everyday life. I couldn’t care less about respectability, but extreme silicone, like facial tattoos, can cut down life options.

As a lawyer, how do you feel about practitioners doing procedures that — such as silicone work — that may not be legal for them to perform?

The concepts of underground and legal are difficult ones. My view was — 25 years ago — that if the “victim” was legally capable, was aware of what was being done, and freely consented, then, provided no prescription-only medicines were used, any procedures would be legal. That was before the infamous Operation Spanner. [Editor’s note: in short this involved men being charged with assault over consensual sex and modification play.]

“It really does stick out — and this is forever — the choice I’ve made.”

How should both practitioners and the people seeking procedures protect themselves and take steps to make sure everything is trouble free?

Discretion seems the wisest course. As long as what is being done does not come to the direct attention of the authorities through death, serious long term consequences, or dealings with minors, incapables, or those under duress, and no attempt is made to assume false medical qualifications, the practitioner should be safe enough. Consent forms or correspondence are helpful, but are no substitute for common sense. The infamous “Doctor Brown” was put away for sawing some poor guy’s leg off. Alan Oversby was convicted for sending “obscene” pictures — one of them was of me — through the Royal Mail.

What is the legality where you are?

The procedure is “legal” in the UK and Europe. In France, Holland, and Germany it is an accepted but not advertised, procedure. I know one Dutch doctor, and one German who will do the procedure reluctantly… Usually there is a quid pro quo, which I find ethically dubious.

Who do people go to for the procedures, and how do they find them?

The only one in the UK is not a doctor at all, but a materials scientist, who sourced the silicone and has worked out a method of sterilization that actually works. Word of mouth and referral by people through the online groups are the usual ways.

Since the skin on your shaft was grafted right to the underlying tissue, I assume you were unable to do silicone in the shaft?

Absolutely correct — the skin was grafted directly to the smooth muscle of the shaft, which had ended up buried in my pubis after the infection destroyed the original skin structure.

How did your doctors respond to your silicone work?

My GP is very positive about the procedure — and has made serious inquiries with a view to making it a serious alternative to the implant of prostheses (false balls or neuticles).

Did you approach them about it before going with an underground practitioner?

Because of the possibility of the infection flaring up, further surgery to insert a prosthesis was not advised. My GP did not feel that I had much to lose over the silicone procedure, although he warned me about the issues of infection and hardening, from work done on this topic in France.

All in all, how do you feel about the modifications you’ve done?

I find my mods enjoyable and satisfying.

Thanks for chatting, Paul!

Shannon Larratt
BME.com

 

“Pioneers may be picturesque figures, but they are often rather lonely ones.”

– Nancy Astor

 

When I was twenty in 1994, my 3/4″ earlobe piercing was shocking enough to the public that I was stopped regularly so people could take photos. Today, with a societal foundation laid where the public is “used” to seeing body modification, I doubt anyone would even notice — it takes something far more radical to turn heads. My friend Toph certainly falls into that category — with roughly an inch plug in each nostril and a nearly two inch lip plate, as well as a myriad of other modifations, he’s tormenting the programmers of facial recognition software by pushing the limits of a modern human face is.

I’ve split this interview with Toph into two sections, beginning with a discussion of his amazing modifications, and with the second section being about him and his life. As well as via the comment forum at the end of the article, you can contact Toph via his IAM page, toph.

PART ONE

How did you do your lip stretching?

I got my center lip piercing done at a 16ga — I didn’t have a choice in the matter because the shop I went to only had that size, so when I went home I immediately put it to a 12ga. A few days later I put in an 8ga — my body stretches rather easily I think compared to most people. My steps were either every week or every other week until I got to 3/4″, which was done all with a taper up until that point. Once it got to 3/4″ it became loose every other day, and then I took my steps one millimeter at a time, every other day or so. By this time I was just “popping” them in without tapers or tape — I didn’t use tape until about 28mm.

How long did the lip stretching take in all?

My lip took a total of six months to go from 16g to 40mm (1 9/16″).

How do you usually wear your lip?

I wear it down 24/7, even when I eat, but drinking is always with a straw!

How about your tongue stretching?

My tongue was a different situation. I wanted to split my tongue, but I needed a good back brace, so at first I started my tongue off by scalpelling straight to 6mm, then stretching it up to 9mm the next day. I wore that for four days, and then scalpelled it to 16mm and stretched to 19mm the next day. By then I was ready for the split — I first cut it to 20mm, stretched it to 21mm, and used a scalpel and cut from the underneath up until the plug fell out and my tongue was split.

And your nostrils?

My nostrils were pierced when I was eighteen at a 10ga and immediately stretched to 8ga. I waited a good four months before going to 6ga, and then every month I went up to the next size until 16mm. Then about every week or so it was 1mm at a time until I took a long break at 22mm — about 5 months. I tapered them the whole way until 5/8″, then slide the next millimeters in by hand. I just recently started stretching them again.

Finally, tell me about your ear stretching? What happened to your ears?

My ears have been a work in progress since I was sixteen, when they were done with a gun at the mall. I took it slow the most of the time, but I did stretch a few times faster than I should have. Unfortunately both my lobes were cut by a bad pair of eyelets at 19mm, and then thinned out pretty badly, so I had to take it really slow after that. Then last year I had plastic surgery on my left lobe due to a landscaping accident — I was weedwhacking a lawn at work and a rock got kicked up and split the 1 1/2″ lobe!

What are the differences in stretching the different types of piercing?

The differences I came across stretching the different types of piercing were that on the ears and lip weight worked really well, whereas the nostrils were all about time — if they didn’t have enough time they just wouldn’t stretch. My tongue was cut the whole time so it was a piece of cake, and I learned that if you really really want a 20mm tongue you can cut it there in a week without a hitch.

Did you have any problems in your stretching?

I did get some scar tissue on the front of my lip during my journey, which was cut off each time it happened and healed perfectly fine. I didn’t come across any problems with my nostrils, mostly because I was really careful. The have minor scar tissue but it went away with the pressure of o-rings in under a week. With my tongue I didn’t have one problem — besides blood and drool!

You managed to upsize all of them incredibly quickly — did you have a secret to doing this or does your body just tolerate stretching really well?

I think it’s a mixture of the two — on one hand my body handles stretching really well because I keep it on a basic schedule, and I think my body adjusted to it and went with it for the most part. My goal sizes are 28mm nostrils and a 63mm lip plate. My ears are as is and if they go bigger then good, but if not I’m still satisfied.

Toph in the early stages of his modifications

Are all of your piercings publicly visible, or do you have private mods as well?

I have had a 00g PA, a 4ga scalped frenum, three ladders and two pubic surface piercings. I do my own genital mods and plan on starting my full subincision soon — I’ve already done the meatotomy.

Do you have plans for further modifications?

My future modifications will include more facial ink, full sleeves,scarification, and large conches. It’s a short list but over the years I’ve had a lot of different stuff done and I’m pretty satisfied with the way my image turned out.

Other facial configurations that Toph has tried

And if you change your mind about all of it and want to go back, do you have a “Plan B”?

If it ever came to a reversal, I would downsize the same way I went up and hope for the best — but I’ve never once seriously thought about changing my image. I’ve been planning this out and making it a part of my life, and plan on keeping it for life.

How much do you think you’ve spent on jewelry so far — you must have gone through a lot?

Over the years I’ve spent about $8000 on jewelry. That was another addiction — I collected jewelry, never thinking I would actually wear it all in multiple piercing over the years. I collected anything from normal stainless steel to one of a kind $200 plugs. Once I met Karl (iam:MobyK), he offered to make me Delrin plugs if I ever needed them. At first I was like “no thanks”, but the more I got into it… like you said, I went through a lot of jewelry.

Karl became a mentor to me and a godfather — we have been very close friends for about three years now, and have never once met. I met Pauly Unstopable through Karl who showed me how big a nostril can go — he was my inspiration for that single piercing. Jesse (iam:pillpoppinfun, featured in BME’s first article on lip plates) was my original influence for the labret. He wore pins and plugs and it interested me. Throughout the years I’ve had a lot of positive influence through the industry, not to mention the movie ‘MODIFY’ which gave me the idea to scalpel my own frenum.

PART TWO

How old are you, what do you do for a living, and what “life plans” do you have?

I am twenty years old, and currently unemployed. I worked restaurants for five years and landscaping for two before I moved to Oklahoma. Now I’m back at the challenge of finding a new occupation. My life plans are to find someone to apprentice me so I can take what I love and make it into a living. This is my life and it’s what I think about day in and day out. I’m just hoping for the opportunity to get into the modification industry to fulfill my life goal.

Tell me a little about yourself in terms of interests?

I am a big fan of extreme sports — skateboarding, aggressive inline, four wheeling, motor cycles, and jet skis. I’m big into nature and photography and consider myself a decent artist.

What’s your peer group like?

I don’t have a big group friends outside the Internet and I like to keep my life limited to family and close friends for the most part. When I go out in public I like to inform anyone who has questions about myself and what and why I do this, to my best ability, to try to help the public understand that we’re not freaks or assholes. I do this mostly to help the next generation of modders so people don’t get the wrong idea about us — this is very important to me.

How do people respond when they see you?

When I’m out in public people freak out… when they talk to me, it’s very funny. Once they see I’m willing to talk to them they just let go and ask me a million questions. People jump up and down, spin and laugh, saying “oh my god, that shit is crazy!” I’ve found that I get more attention from middle aged and older African Americans than I do from white teens and young adults… I don’t know why but I like it.

What got you interested in body modification originally?

I was around fifteen years old and I was a troubled kid, and I met a body piercer named Paul Kriner. He changed my life. I had already had a major interest in body modification, and so when I met him I tried to spend all my free time up at the shop that he worked at. He taught me a lot about the industry, proper aftercare and stretching, and became my mentor and someone I could look up to no matter what. I learned a lot from a young and very talented artist (he was only twenty at the time), and since the day I met him I knew what direction my life was going.

I know the why question is hard, but “why?”, and can you think of earlier influences?

This is my passion. It makes me very happy doing this, and it satisfies an empty spot in my life. I believe in concentrating and self-inflicting pain — it’s putting myself through more challenges in life… As if life wasn’t hard enough! I don’t think life should be easy, and if you’re doing something you love and it makes your life harder, and you have the ability to work through it, it only makes you stronger. This is the love of my life — more than family and friends even. If I wasn’t able to mod myself I’d feel as if I was walking around as a fake. I also find the way I look attractive — I’m absolutely amazed at what one can do to one’s body to make it completely change form.

Really, why should everyone look the same?

Like I said, my piercer was a big influence on me in my teens, but as a kid my uncle was in a state prison and all I could see were endless tattoos. He was a great guy — he just screwed up. I had a very positive image of body modification at a young age, although it went against everything my parents ever told me. As a kid I pierced my ears with safety pins and my labret with a sewing needle, as well as numerous surface temporary piercings. The more my parents said no the more I got into it… Then I discovered BME — oh my god, BME — once I was shown that site it was over. It was a candy store for me. I started hanging out at tattoo shops all summer long and every day after school for around five years until I went off on my own.

All of this added to my obsession… The interest was already there, but when my eyes were opened to how far it can be taken I never looked back. I dedicated my life to it, and to this day still do and plan on doing it until I die. It’s a part of my life that’s too good to let go.

What made you decide to start to push your modifications in a direction that’s far more extreme than most people can relate to?

My interest got so deep into it I didn’t see a reason to stop at a certain size just because it was more accepted to stop there — being accepted by the community is something I can do myself no matter how I look. After seeing some of the famous modders like The Lizardman, Pauly Unstoppable, and the movie ‘MODIFY’, I knew I could put up the fight, and so far have succeeded. I take this part of my life so seriously, and I believe you can change the way people think with the right attitude and perspective. It’s all about being nice no matter what, and fully informing them no matter how unbelievable what they see is.

Given that you’ve made these changes in such a short time, I’m sure you’ve got some remarkable insight into how people who look different are treated?

My immediate family does not accept my body modifications at all, and still don’t completely understand me. I’ve done my best but they don’t want to believe this is who I am. My friends love it — they refer to me as a rock star when we go out in pubic because I have five to twenty confrontations each time I go to a store… nothing but tons of questions, excitement, and disgust. The public is very interested but not everyone can gather the courage to confront someone to ask questions and to fulfill their curiously. You’re always going to get bad attention, but there is a lot more good attention than most people would think.

What advice would you have for people who are considering doing something radical like this?

I would seriously encourage people to take a long hard thought before doing something like this. You receive so much criticism, and it’s a lot to deal with on a daily basis. It is very difficult to handle and you have to be emotionally strong to get through it all. But if it is a decision the new generation is willing to take, it is only going to get easier as time goes on.

Since Valentine’s Day is coming up, would you like to meet and date someone as radically modified as yourself?

I believe it would be so much easier to date someone that looked like Duff or Miss Kayteek Etemine because it would be easier to deal with the constant modifications and the public response as well because they would have already been use to it in their own lives, instead of having to adjust to an extreme amount of constant attention.

It can be a lot for someone to handle who has never experienced it before. I recently lost my marriage over my body modifications — she told me it was her or the modifications…. I couldn’t believe my ears. I basically laughed, then cried, then said good bye. This path wasn’t meant for everyone and it takes extreme dedication to do what I have accomplished.

Not to mention sacrifice…

Thank you to Toph for taking the time to talk to us! Please visit him at iam:Toph.

Shannon Larratt
BME.com

Martin: Genital Evolution

I first met Martin in the mid-nineties when he began experiments in “cock skinning”, a radical sort of circumcision where large amounts of tissue are removed from the shaft of the penis, leaving tightened and scarred skin. While this was not his first journey into body modification, it began a series of heavy duty DIY changes to his genitals that continue to this day — he’s been subincised, closed that subincision, opened it up again (and repeated that more than once), injected hydrogels, reshaped his scrotum multiple times, cut his own suspensory ligament, and more. Thanks to a bullet-proof immune system and the apparent ability to heal almost anything, his adventures just keep escalating.

Please be warned that this interview is extremely explicit and deals with highly risky activities, both in terms of the pictures and the modifications discussed.

Martin’s Subincision… One of Many!

* * *

Tell me a little about yourself.

I’m thirty-six now. I was born in Austria, but have lived in the UK for most of my life. I am single and probably always will be unless someone comes along who accepts me for who I am — but I’d much rather be in a relationship. My parents have moved abroad and I have one sister that also lives abroad as well, so I am basically alone here in the UK, although I do have some close friends. I am gay and was very late in accepting it and coming out — I was thirty when I finally came out. I live alone at home with two dogs for company.

As for work and everyday life, I am self employed in the electronics trade — repairs to TV and video equipment. It’s a bad career to be involved in, and I would not recommend anyone else starting up in this business since it’s becoming less profitable every year as things become cheaper to replace instead of repair.

So you came out with extreme mods before you came out as gay — I guess it was easier accepting your interest in genital modification than your interest in men? Has it been doubly hard striking up relationships because of the genital modifications?

I have always been shy and have the fear of rejection, so even before any mods, I’ve never had the courage to ask anyone out. In those days it was only women that I was wanting to find, because that was expected of me by my parents and I could not accept the fact that I was gay. I knew that women never turned me on sexually, but men on the other hand did turn me on. Only the really cute ones — the ones where you could see their package in their tight jeans… it was always the genitals that really did it for me.

I have to admit that once I circumcised myself, it did make me even more shy to show my cock, and also, when I first circumcised my cock I did not know about the term ‘circumcision’ and I didn’t even know that other men were circumcised — I thought I made my cock different from everyone else’s! In those days I did not have access to any pictures of cocks and I had never heard about removing foreskin. In school showers all the boys had foreskins. Another thing that bugged me was that my circumcision scar was very defined. You could see the pale inner skin suddenly change to the darker outer skin, with a ring joining the two together. That made me feel embarrassed because I thought that people would know that I’d cut my foreskin off, but since then I’ve found out that that look is very normal in a circumcised penis.

Do you think your life would have turned out quite differently had you come out at a much younger age?

In a simple answer — yes! If I had the guts to say I was gay before I did any cutting, I might have just gone out and enjoyed myself among other gay friends. I might never have had the thought of that hole in the foreskin, and I might never have made that hole, and then never have had cut the skin, making me not get addicted to cutting in the first place…

If I had left my penis well alone as I was when I was born, I’m sure I would have had more courage back then to go out looking for a female relationship and might have gotten married… my genital mods have definitely changed my life, but I don’t really know for certain how much of a change it’s made because I will never know how differently my life would have evolved had I not cut my cock.

You mentioned that you run an electronics repair business — do you think your interest and talents in fixing electronics are related on some level to your interest and talents in “fixing genitals”? I know it’s a bit of a goofy question, but I was actually asked a series of questions along these lines myself by some TV show because I was customizing cars and had some in my yard when they came over to film.

Funny you should ask that — no, it’s not a daft question at all. There could well be a connection there. Since I was I kid I’ve always been into electronics and anything technical. When I got a transistor radio, the first thing I did was take it apart to see its workings. Everything I’ve had I’ve always pulled apart or tried to modify to make it work better, like modifying coils in TVs and radios to see what effect it had… That could also be why I’m interested in my cock, taking it apart and seeing how I can make it feel and function differently.

Ever since I can remember, I was always fascinated with my genitals. Even as a kid before puberty I used to play with my cock, making it go hard and tying rubber bands around it to make the veins stand out. At that time I could not pull my foreskin back and I didn’t even know what a foreskin was — all I could see was the very tip of my glans through the end of my foreskin. I remember my mother giving me a bath. She tried to pull my foreskin back but because it was causing me pain, I didn’t let her, but as the years went by and I entered puberty I started exploring my cock more by tugging on the foreskin, making the opening get wider and wider. I was always too scared to pull the foreskin right back, just in case it got stuck there, or worse yet my glans would fall out — the stupid thing was that I thought that my glans was a separate ball that was only held in place by my foreskin!

That’s pretty funny… I’m surprised how early your interested started to show. I think most people see it coming out about the time of puberty. Maybe that means it’s really hardwired in your case!

I remember when I was six years old I had a very strange thought… I saw my dad doing a job with concrete around a pipe, sealing it in a floor, and I had thoughts of filling up my pants with concrete so I could no longer access my cock. I thought concrete was so permanent that nothing could break it open after it went hard. I imagined myself wearing concrete pants for the rest of my life — an early thought of chastity I guess!

One day in the bath I decided to play and experiment again, and this time I pulled as hard as I could to got my foreskin right back. I held my hand out under my cock just in case the head fell out so I could catch it, but when the skin went back, I was so amazed at how the glans was attached and how very sensitive it was. This made me start off new experiments and I discovered masturbation a few weeks later — it was totally unexpected, but the first orgasm I had I can still remember today. It was so good that I haven’t stopped ever since that day.

For several years I just masturbated, but I always wondered what else I could do to turn me on. I knew that it was my dick that turned me on the most. I tried to look at girls, but they just did not turn me on sexually, although young men very much did… Not by their faces — I was more turned on by their cocks. I admired the bulge they displayed in their tight jeans. Back in the 1980’s tight jeans were very commonplace and it was fantastic to see guys wearing tight jeans as long as they showed a bulge. In those days I was twelve, and always promised myself that when I grew up and my cock was bigger I too would wear tight jeans to show off my bulge — and yes, that’s exactly what I now do, and always have. Seeing my cock bulge out of my tight jeans is more of a turn on for me than anything else.

Back when I was fifteen I saw a pair of leather punches — I don’t know why, but looking at how they punched a hole in a strip of leather made me want to punch a hole in the top of my foreskin. I never did but the thoughts of having a hole in my foreskin seemed to stay with me. About two years later I was getting bored of masturbating with the same old cock and wanted to make my foreskin pull back further but the frenum was in the way, so one night I got a very sharp pointed kitchen knife and pushed the point through the inside of the frenum and cut it through in an out-and-upwards direction. Because I still had a foreskin I put tissue paper over the cut and closed my foreskin up over it, but it hardly bled at all and it was healed within about a week.

What did it feel like? Was the cutting a part of masturbation, or were the two separate?

The cutting was a “now or never” spur of the moment thing in the bath. I was having a bath and had that thought about making a hole in my foreskin again, so I quickly decided to do it before I changed my mind. If I would have cum, I would have changed my mind — if I masturbate before the cutting, as soon as I cum the cutting thoughts are gone until next time. I actually use it as a way to slow me down and keep me from cutting myself too often.

It’s interesting the role that orgasm plays in it. I know a lot of people who even stop going to orgasm — almost, but not quite there — to avoid losing that feeling, and some even feel bad about the cutting after they cum…

If I manage to cum just after a cutting session, I do sometimes feel bad for having cut myself because the erotic excitement is gone, but my biggest piss off is after a major cut and I have to avoid erections in case of bleeding or popping stitches, and sometimes I have to wait for ten or fifteen days before I can masturbate again! It’s the downtime I hate, but the excitement of a newly modeled cock is so erotic, and that’s another reason why I alter and cut my cock.

I guess that was how I first started to get interested in modding my cock. I never intended to cut it anymore but then I guess I was already becoming addicted. I think as well because I didn’t have any access to touch and see anyone else’s cock back then, I just wanted mine to feel different.

So you did end up eventually making that hole in your foreskin?

The thoughts of having a hole in my foreskin never left me, so one night when I was alone I decided to try making a hole, and I cut a small hole from left to right in the area where I could see the ridge of my glans under the skin. When I made this hole I was so turned on at the sight of seeing my glans through the hole that I pushed the glans out through it… That looked really hot, and my proper foreskin opening was now all wrinkled under my shaft and a problem then started. I got very erect and my glans swelled up, and because the hole was too small, it began to strangle the glans and was becoming very painful. No matter how much I tried I just could not push the glans back out from that hole, so I had no choice but to insert the blade from a pair of scissors between the cut hole and the original hole, and cut through that skin. As soon as the blade cut through it, the tightness went away and a strange kind of looseness came, because suddenly the foreskin no longer had any tightness to it when retracted. It was hanging off under my head, which felt sort of uncomfortable but looked really fantastic, seeing my glans with no foreskin trying to slide over it. That said, it was very untidy looking, so one day I thought of trying to repair the skin by opening up the cut edges and sewing them together again, but when I did try that, it was far too painful and I gave up…

I knew that I could not leave my cock looking this untidy — after all, I was only eighteen back then and was planning to have relationships. I decided to cut off that lose hanging bit of foreskin, which really hurt, but after it was off, I knew that I wasn’t finished because there were still other areas that needed tidying up. From there on I spent several times cutting bits off to neaten my circumcision scar. Then came a day when I wanted to cut more skin off, mainly because I found it such a turn on to remove skin from my penis. The problem I had was that I didn’t have any loose skin left. I was already very tightly circumcised, but the desire was still with me to cut more skin off. I decided to cut all the skin off my penis shaft — the loosely attached skin that slides along the shaft when masturbating. I made a circular cut around the base, and another cut just behind the head, and then a long cut joining the two cuts. I slowly lifted the skin off as I was cutting it free from the shaft.

Did you ever have problems that needed medical attention back then, or ever get caught in any way? I had to go to the emergency room once, and it was a very embarrassing experience!

Luckily no, not back then. I was always ready with a whole roll of toilet paper just in case it bled too much. The circumcision was very manageable. The only problem I had was when I was cutting it off — I was sitting on the edge of the bath for nearly three hours trying to cut the lower part of skin off and my parents were due to come home very soon! That cutting was giving me so much pain I didn’t know how to finish it, but luckily I had the idea of going the the freezer and scraping ice from its internal walls into a cup and adding water. I dunked my cock in the iced water and that made it much more bearable and I managed to cut it off before they came home and clear up the bloody mess in the bath.

Lucky! Getting back to the cock skinning, what did you do after you cut the skin free?

When I was finished I was left with a raw shaft, and it was wet and bloody. I became erect and found that my skinned shaft looked so erotic to me — it was sort of whitish pink in color and it looked hot, but worrying at the same time, seeing my shaft skin start at the base of my cock for only about half an inch, then stop, leaving an opening in my body for my raw skinned cock to protrude from.

Martin’s initial cock skinning

It took a good eight weeks to heal over fully, with a new scar-like replacement tissue. The trouble I had was the fact that during healing it pulls together, and I was left with a much smaller cock than before. I knew I would never be happy with that so I thought that if I reopened the wound where the new skin joined the remaining old skin, I would pull the edges apart and wait for more new skin to grow in between. This did work and I repeated it twice, and was left with a penis that was about the same as the original length but the skin was totally immobile. The new skin is attached directly to the shaft and has no movement at all to it.

How does that feel in comparison? Is it still like that or did it separate and loosen over time?

In the beginning the shaft was extremely tight. It was a bit like an hourglass because of the tight bandaging I did to make the new skin heal tightly, but after a few months it softened up and became more normal in shape. The new skin is still tighter than normal skin, and even today and there is no gliding motion anymore. Before skinning it I could feel the shaft meat under the skin, and I could feel the ripples in the cock meat under the skin as I moved my fingers up and down it. I could see all the veins bulging through the skin, but now all that’s no longer possible. It bothered me to start with, but I’m now so used to it that I don’t even think about it anymore

The photos make it look like you’ve got no worries in the size department — were you aware of that as you were growing up?

It’s only since I’ve been sending pictures on the Internet that I’ve been getting responses saying that I’m quite big. For me I’ve always seen myself as being too small, but that’s only because I wish I was huge. I’ve always imagined myself having a cock that’s so big that I have trouble getting dressed — it’s an obsession for me to wear tight jeans to show a big bulge. It gives me confidence knowing that my dick is big enough to show through my clothes — if I don’t show a bulge, like if I wear baggy jeans, I feel less confident in front of others, especially if I’m among other guys and one or two do show a bulge… it makes me feel even smaller and underdeveloped.

After the skinning, how did you get into the subincision and other mods?

The skinning took place in 1992 and I didn’t do much after that anymore until 1997, when I got my first computer. The first thing I looked for on the Internet was for information about self-circumcision, mainly to see if other people also did it, and I stumbled across BME and I immediately bought myself an extreme subscription. That was where I first saw subincisions and bisections, and since then it’s been the green light and the inspiration I’ve been looking for to continue with my genital mods.

Before that, were you at all aware that other people were doing it as well?

In those days I was not aware that others did any kind of self cutting. I thought I was totally alone with it and felt like a freak because of that… I was very relived to find out that I was not alone anymore, and better yet, because the Internet is two way interactive, I’ve managed to chat and contact several others. It’s just a shame that they are all so far away.

Did you ever try “lighter” stuff along the lines of pumping or saline? Or was it always cutting that was the turn-on?

When it comes to non-cutting mods, yes, I’ve done several, but because they don’t last, they are not as exciting. I have pumped with an electric pump — it was a paint sprayer compressor I modified to suck in air through a tube. The vacuum was so strong that I filled my tube in two sessions, but after only a few sessions it was hurting too much in an aching sort of way, so I gave up.

I also used the compressor as an inflater — I attached a needle on the end of the tube and inserted it under my shaft skin and inflated my cock. The base was tied off tight, and I left the pump on until my cock was about to explode — it was so hard including the head. The thing that made me quickly turn the pump off was the fact that I could hear cracking noises in the head! The skin was about to rip open! I could not feel anything because I had injected anesthetic first.

Martin’s cock being inflated

Releasing the pressure

I got a large needle and stabbed my cock from all directions. The air hissed out of my cock, along with bubbles of blood. While I was tied off, after I had squeezed all the air out, I got a pair of scissors and inserted one blade in my piss hole and the other along the top center of my glans and I split it through — there was no blood and no pain, so I suddenly had a split head! I inserted a tube down my urethra and wedged tissue between the split, and then tightly bandaged the head up and released the band at the base of my cock to allow the blood to flow in again. Amazingly, it didn’t bleed at all… It went red, and soaked in blood, but it never ran or dripped with blood, so that was good.

Martin’s head splitting

I know it was a stupid thing to do — I knew it when I did it — but I thought I’d take the chance because I wanted to see how big I could inflate my cock. Yes, I was stupid to have done that, so don’t tell me I was because I know anyway!

I’d love to hear the stories of of your subincision and how you came to close it up.

Back in 1987 I was in the airport in Austria waiting for my flight, and that was the very first time I had ever thought about subincision. I didn’t know even that it was possible, yet alone knew that others did it — it was a thought totally out of the blue and I even remember where I was when that thought came to mind. I didn’t call it a subincision, I called it a gutter! I never did it for may years after, but I did decide to experiment with that thought, and one night in the bath I decided to lengthen the piss slit. I did this by tyeing off my cock, putting ice on it to deaden the pain, and got a blade and cut myself a meatotomy all the way to the rim of the glans. I was amazed at how easy it was, and the fact that it was even possible to do. It healed quite quickly but I found that peeing standing up was bad — it sprayed everywhere and I hated that, so after one year I decided that it must be possible to close it up.

I opened the healed sides — back then I didn’t have access to anesthetic so I used freezer spray, a spray can that’s used for cooling electronic components when tracing thermal faults. I sprayed it on my meatotomy edges and my glans became white, hard, and frozen on the two sides of the meatotomy. I quickly got scissors and sliced a chunk off the glans from either side. By then it was thawing out and becoming soft again, so I brought the two sides together and taped it up with surgical sticky tape. When the feeling came back it hurt so much I nearly cried… After that, peeing was done very slowly so as not to put too much pressure on the wound, and after a few days it had knitted together and it was totally healed in about two weeks.

It wasn’t until 2000 that I decided that I wanted a meatotomy again, mainly because I then knew that others also did it, so I decided to reopen my meatotomy again, but this time I stopped about a centimeter into the shaft. It was amazing to see the inside of my cock again, and because I knew others also cut themselves I knew I wasn’t a freak to cut myself, so I just continued to cut.

Returning to the first thoughts of a subincision back in that airport, when I stumbled across pictures of my first subincision all my memories came back to me. I just could not believe that someone had actually done that to their cock… Back then I had promised myself not to cut my cock anymore, but every time I looked at subincision pictures, particularly the full subincisions, I knew I wanted one on my cock one day too. After I redid the meatotomy, I left it to heal, always knowing that I wanted to extend it further. A few months later I cut it further using a clamp-and-cut method. I did this twice more and I loved the feeling of how my urethra fell open wider each time — the feel of air hitting the sensitive tissue gave me a real hard on, and I came after only a few strokes!

Closing his subincision

By the end of the year I had a full subincision and I loved it, but one night I was having a bath and I had the thoughts of extending my sub further, and as I got the blade near it, I wondered if it was possible to repair it again. I opted for the latter, and in an attempt to be “normal” again, I used injectable anesthetic and removed a strip of skin from each side of my sub and then sutured it all together. During the next few days peeing was rather painful and I had to control how hard I let the pee flow — it’s really difficult to trickle out pee when you’re bursting to go! But, after a week it was knitted together enough to not rip apart anymore. I left my entire shaft tightly bandaged so that erections didn’t put too much strain on the rejoined area.

Martin’s closed subincision

But that closure didn’t last, did it?

No — I have reopened it again, and this time it’s all the way to the scrotum. I plan on splitting the scrotum again as well and taking the subincision between the balls.

I assume everything you’re doing is cock-related? No changes to any other body parts at all?

I am only interested in modifying my cock. Other body parts don’t turn me on in any way, although some look cool on others… but for me it’s only my cock.

Let’s keep talking about your modifications… What came after the subincision?

A year after that I did my next extreme modification. I was not happy with the way that after my tight circumcision and skinning that my scrotum was pulled up covering more than half the length of the under side of my cock shaft. I had this idea to cut the scrotum away from the shaft to try and make it hang lower down.

I’m going to guess this story begins with “I was in the bath”…

Yes — I was in the bath and my scrotum was loose and floppy from the heat of the warm water. I injected anesthetic into the area that I was going to cut, and I then got a long blunt object (the handle of a screw driver), and I pushed this handle on the left side of my scrotum as far back as possible and felt for it bulging through the scrotal skin on the right side. Once I was happy with the position, I got a blade and cut from the right side through to the left, using the handle as a base to cut against. I cut until the handle pushed through to the other side. I suppose it could be classed as an extremely deep scrotal or lorum piercing.

Martin’s scrotal release

I then got a pair of scissors and inserted one blade through this hole and out the other side, and then slowly began to cut in an outward direction along my shaft. This was totally painless, and once I cut through, my scrotum fell downwards, exposing the tops of my balls and the raw underside of my penis. It did bleed quite a lot, but with compression, it stopped after about thirty minutes — I think I must have cut a big vein!

I then sutured the scrotum together joining the left side to the right, but left my penis raw above it. It took about two months to fully heal, and I did regrow about half way up the shaft again, but it was definitely lower down than before. I wanted it to be as low down as possible, so I decided to repeat this cutting procedure a second time around. Once it healed the second time, my scrotum was hanging very low and virtually between my legs. I liked it that way a lot but I wanted more and decided that I wanted to split my scrotum so I’d have two independent balls hanging.

How did you perform the scrotal splitting procedure?

I used the same technique of using the handle of a screw driver as a cutting guide behind the scrotum and I cut to it from the front. My goal was for maximum separation, so I made sure that I cut as high up the scrotum as possible. This time however I did not cut the scrotum in half — I decided to wait until the hole I just made healed, and I inserted a thick tube through that hole and formed a ring out of it, holding it together with a cable tie. After about three weeks it was time for me split the scrotum in two, so I removed that tube and had a nearly healed hole at the base to cut out from. I injected anesthetic again, and used scissors to cut from the hole downwards. After the final snip my two balls fell apart — I could suddenly hold them, one in each hand, about six inches apart!

I loved that new look and feel, but there was one problem after it had healed — because my scrotums were so small, they tended to shrivel up when cold and my balls would disappear up next to my cock leaving two empty scrotums that looked like two bits of loose skin. I wanted to keep my balls down in the sacks so I decided to do more cutting.

Martin’s split scrotum

The next cut was an attempt to make the neck of my left scrotum only thick enough for the cord of the testicle. This was a bad idea, but I did it anyway, not thinking about the consequences. I felt for my testes cord and pushed it to the outside edge of the sack. Then I made a hole in the neck of the sack right next to the cord. I left that hole to heal, using the tube as I did when I split the sack. After it had healed I cut the scrotum through the hole towards the center horizontally, leaving just the part that had my cord running through it. There was blood everywhere and I had to call for an ambulance as I could not stop the bleeding — that was the most embarrassing day of my life! But it healed quite well and my left testicle was now hanging in a scrotum from a thin neck, sort of like a pendulum between my legs… But after a few months, due to cold weather, it managed to squeeze past the narrow neck and up next to my cock, so it didn’t work as planned.

How did they react to you at the hospital?

An Indian doctor came to check me over, and saw what I had done. He said that if I cut too close to the cord of the testes, that the thin scrotal neck could swell and strangle the cord and I could loose that ball. I already had it in my mind that I was going to loose my left ball, but the doc then said that there was no point in suturing the wound together, because I’d already done a good job of that. I was surprised, and he looked at my then partial subincision and asked if I did it. I told him I did and he said that I would have problems with it later in life — I don’t know what he meant by that. He wanted to keep me in on an IV drip, but I refused and dismissed myself. They gave me a packet full of pills and I went home and was at work the next day.

How did the ligament cutting happen? DIY is certainly a better deal than paying $3000 or so to have a plastic surgeon do it…

I injected the area with anesthetic and pulled hard on my penis in a downward direction. When I felt the pubic area I could feel ligaments through the skin tensioning up and it was these ligaments that I planned to cut. I got a blade and made a hole just over the area that I could feel the ligaments through, and I cut that hole about half an inch across and dug the blade in on one side of the tensioned ligament and cut towards it. I could hear the tearing sound, and once I cut through it my cock suddenly felt longer and I could actually see it drop lower down!

Martin’s DIY ligament cutting

It was one of the easiest mods I’ve ever done. I sutured the hole shut and I was even able to masturbate the same night! I had bruising for about one week but I gained just over one inch when soft. But it still wasn’t enough.

Wow, I didn’t realize that it was that “easy” to do… Did you gain any hard length as well, or just when soft?

Yes, I found it the easiest mod ever, but I didn’t notice any more length when hard. I did notice however that my cock hangs lower down… I never did any stretching, although I should have, but having said that, I didn’t loose any length that I gained and I now can no longer feel the ligament under the skin anymore.

Has it changed things like angle of erection and so on as well?

My angle of erection was pointing down long before the ligament cutting because of a lot of manual pulling downwards on my cock by hand at every available moment. Every time I had to go to the toilet, I always ended with a real hard pull on my cock in an attempt to stretch it — there was a time I could put the head in my mouth, but I stopped pulling on it because the results were too minimal. That’s why I opted for the ligament cut. Maybe I might try pulling on it again soon, as I might get more length now that the ligament is cut.

What other things have you tried to increase the size?

I had heard of Hydrogel and was given a contact address to obtain some. First I wanted my cock to look normal again before I injected it so I decided to close up the full subincision.

This was my second-time-round subincision, as I had already closed it up before and then cut it open again. I removed a slice of skin from along each side and sutured the two sides together, but this time I left a hole right at the base in order to pee through so my pee pressure would not disturb healing on the rest of the sub. After it was healed I had to close that hole in the base so that I could pee from the end again, and I removed a ring of skin from around that hole and sutured that open ring closed. For the first few days I was very careful not to pee too hard, and within a week I was able to pee standing up again. I managed to close my subincision down to a 5mm pee hole in the glans!

Opening up his “mostly” subincision

After my sub was closed again, I decided that I wanted my scrotum back as a whole so that I could inject the hydrogel into it and get a big round bulge, but I had problems with my left sack when trying to join it to the right one. I cut open the right sack until it was fully open in the area that was originally split, and then I tried doing the same with the left one but the narrow neck where the cord was running through was so close to the testicle that when I cut it open, my testicle popped out and fell in my hand, hanging from its cord. It was out of its internal sack too, and started to give me stomach cramp pains. I started to panic because I could not push it back in, and I fumbled about for several minutes in pain and finally I pulled my stomach in while breathing — that tends to pull the balls up. Luckily my testicle pulled up into the mutilated scrotum, and I quickly sutured the two sacks back together again.

Martin’s scrotal split reversal

It has healed surprisingly well. You wouldn’t think that my sack was ever split if it wasn’t for the scar along the center.

Then it was time for the hydrogel. I ordered 250ml and have used most of it. I’ve injected it into my shaft under the skin and it’s made my cock very thick, but I’ve also tried injecting it into the scrotum, but it seems to make lumps instead of evening out. It feels like I have three balls… I wasn’t happy with that, so I removed it from the scrotum again.

Were there problems due to the way your skin is attached so tightly?

No big problems — although it was not possible to inject along the bottom of my shaft because it was my closed subincision, so there were no skin pockets under there at all. Along the sides and on the top was loose enough for injecting the gel.

You ordered the Hydrogel from China I guess?

Yes, I did, but recently I have heard of something even better, apparently it’s a filler that’s made up of small spheres, like micro beads. The Hydrogel is good, but I can squeeze it back out if I wanted to — I’d like something that can’t be removed! I find the permanence of a mod so erotic. To get the Hydrogel out all I needed to do was make a hole in the area with a needle and squeeze it out like a tube of tooth paste.

But now you’ve opened your subincision up again?

I’ve always loved the look of subincisions and after repairing mine I was missing having it, so after nearly two years of having it fully repaired I decided to reopen it again. I have since cut it right up to the scrotum, and it’s longer than the original full sub I had by about an inch.

I like the feel of the exposed urethra so much so that I wanted to feel it all the time, rubbing in my pants, but because my sub is more of a deep groove I needed to find a way to open it out flat. I decided to remove a length of shaft skin from along the top of my cock. I cut off a sheet of skin that was about an inch and a half wide by three inches long, and I brought the edges together and sutured it, making my sub underneath open out really tight and flat when soft. I then wrapped my cock tightly in tape and dressings so that erections wouldn’t pull the sutures apart. After about two weeks it was time to test the results. I removed the dressings for the final time and let myself get fully erect — wow, that was rather painful to start with. The sub was so stretched wide open, it was shiny and very tight, and when soft my sub is now totally flat and fully exposed permanently. It feels great in my pants when walking about, but the skin has loosened up a bit since, and now there is no way that I could ever re-repair my sub. It’s now permanently open.

Martin’s top cut

It’s not going to end here. I plan on doing lots more in the future, and my next plan is to re-split my scrotum, because as with my sub after repairing it, I now miss the feel and look of having two balls. Next time I plan on first making a transscrotal big enough to push my cock through. I’m also very seriously thinking about a fully split penis — I would want it split so far back that when hard I’ve got the split starting right at the pubic area.

I can’t wait to hear what happens next. Thanks for sharing your story, and I look forward to talking to you again!

Shannon Larratt
BME.com

I first met Leen about seven years ago in one of the Voluntary Amputee mailing lists where he was inquiring about bloodless ways to amputate his left leg, at the time considering dry ice. Not long afterwards he contributed photos of his recent toe amputations and other body modifications to BME, and a few months ago induced an infection in one of his toes (by, among other things, standing in dirty fish ponds and soaking it in motor oil) which eventually led to half of his foot being amputated by his doctors.

Outwardly Leen is a “normal” guy — other than his limp, without seeing his feet you’d never know of his interests. He’s a straight (and married) forty-two year old construction worker in Pretoria, South Africa, where his hobbies include motorsports, nature, working out, and reading — and still slowly working toward his dream of a LAK (“left above the knee”) amputation.

* * *

Shannon: When do you think your amputation interests first developed, and how?

As a child I was always fascinated by people that looked different. I loved to look at amputees just to see the stump dangling and not really doing anything… I just loved that. My mother always told me not to stare at people with disabilities, and that made me wonder even more what it would feel like to have just one leg.

Then at school we had a girl with one underdeveloped leg and one good leg because of polio. She had a prosthetic leg, but the best part was when the leg had to go for repair, as she use to come to school on crutches — those where good days at school. We also had a student teacher who had four fingers amputated on her one hand — she only had a thumb. It was always nice looking at her carrying her briefcase and writing on the blackboard.

Shannon: When and how did you come to realize that you actually wanted to become an amputee?

I was about five years old when I first tried to cut my two little toes off with a pair of scissors. I was unsuccessful of course. Also, when we would play doctor doctor, when I was the patient I always tied my one leg so that I would look like an amputee.

Shannon: That seems early… And when did you actually do the first successful amputation?

I did my first amputations when I was thirty-five years old.

Leen’s feet in early 2002.

Shannon: Did you ever see a therapist or wonder if you might be unstable?

No, I never saw a therapist. I always knew this was the right thing to do. There was no “internal struggle”… nothing like that.

Shannon: While many people into voluntary amputation are only into amputation, you’re into a broader range of body modification — I know you have a subincision, as well as having done a partial castration… Are they linked interests, or separate?

I just love to be different. Thanks to the internet I was able to see what other people do and try some of those things myself.

Shannon: How did the partial castration happen?

I was just exposing my testicle, playing with it — I struggled to get it back into my sack, but couldn’t so I just cut it off. There was a lot of bleeding, but I managed to stop it. Later I tried to do a partial penectomy, but ended up at the ER.

Shannon: Why did you go to the ER that time?

I was losing a lot of blood. I knew I had to get to the ER — as soon as possible! I fainted twice on the way there because of blood loss!

Shannon: I’m glad you’re OK — I assume that the penectomy and similar play means there’s a sexual aspect to your modifications in general?

Not all of them. I think to have a partial penectomy would be interesting — not to be able to have penetrative sex anymore, but still be able to cum by masturbating or from a blow job.

Shannon: It’s my feeling that as a generalization amputation and body modification is sexual behavior, almost like the extreme mating dances that animals do to attract each other… To me this also helps explain why these extremes are almost always male behavior rather than female… What are your thoughts on that subject?

I agree with that.

Shannon: You’re into CBT as well?

Yes, I am into CBT… Every now and then I love to torture my dick.

Shannon: What’s the motivation?

It just feels good.

* * *

Shannon: You mentioned in the past that you don’t want to lose a lot of blood when you do procedures… Is that why you chose to induce an infection for the toe amputation rather than doing it by just cutting it off?

Yes. I think toes and fingers are easy, but anything more gets a bit tricky. I do it on my own at home, so if anything goes wrong I could bleed to death. Thus the infection route is better.

Shannon: How did you do your previous toe amputations?

For most of my previous amputations I put my feet in a bucket of ice for twenty minutes, and then I use a cable tie. For the first ones I just used a chisel and hammer and chopped them off. On later amputations I used a scalpel to cut right up to the bone. Then I pull back the flesh, and use the chisel and hammer to chop off the toe. Finally, I stitch it up. I take the stitches out after ten days.

On one toe I was just “playing” with an old chisel I found… I put it on my toe and pushed too hard and it went right through the bone — I then just had to push harder until the toe was amputated. Of course, an infection set in because the chisel was dirty and I had to go to hospital where they did a ray amputation [note: a ray amputation is where the bone above the toe is removed as well — this is what caused the “hoof” type split in Leen’s foot].

Preparing to chop off a toe.

Shannon: Which method would you recommend to others — a chisel job, or cut and stitched?

It heals much faster if you stitch it up. After ten days the stitches can be taken out and it is basically healed. The other way takes about two months to heal completely.

Shannon: Have you done any amputations (or other modifications) that are visible to the public, or are they all relatively hide-able?

None of them are visible — I just walk with a slight limp. Most people I meet ask me what’s wrong. I then just tell them I had a midfoot amputation.

Inducing the toe amputation, and the results of the first intervention.

Shannon: With the most recent amputation, where the infection got very bad and necessitated further removal, how risky was that?

My life was never at risk. I still went to work the Friday and Saturday after they did the midfoot amputation.

Shannon: What did you think of the “surprise” of getting a midfoot rather than a toe amputation?

I was in the hospital for two days and then flew into Africa for my Christmas holiday. I am happy with half a foot, but the first doctor wanted to do a below the knee amputation, which would have been first prize! Unfortunately he sent me to an orthopedic surgeon, and after more X-Rays and an MRI, they decided on a midfoot amputation.

Shannon: I’d make the argument that it’s probably more dangerous to use the induced infection route due to risks of septicemia and so on, versus the blood loss and shock risks of a “chop it off” method…

I’ve done both methods. Blood loss in my toes is not that a big of a problem, but if you cut off more, or start on something like your penis, there are big blood vessels so the loss of blood becomes an issue. The last two toes I did I struggled to get the stitches in, so I thought that going the infection route might be better. Since I am a diabetic, I just go to the diabetic foot clinic and they prescribe antibiotics which help against septicemia — I just make sure that my toe doesn’t heal and eventually they will amputate.

Leens foot stitched up after being shortened.

Shannon: What would you say to people who believe it’s an abuse of the system for people to “force” taxpayers to cover an amputation by “tricking” doctors into doing it?

I have private medical aid and the monthly contributions are quite high, so why not make them pay for the amputation? It is safer when a doctor does it, and it makes me happy. The doctors and nurses think it is fantastic that I don’t get depressed after an amputation, so I don’t waste tax payers’ money [with rehab or counseling].

Shannon: And how is the mid-foot amputation healing? Is it still maintaining that split “hoof” appearance?

It is completely healed now. The hoof split is because of the ray amputation I had a couple of years ago.

Shannon: When the stumps heal, what does it feel like?

In the beginning they are a bit more sensitive [than normal body parts]. After I did my big toe, whenever I woke up in the morning and I looked at my foot, it was still there! I think it is just imprinted in your brain, but after a couple of weeks it disappears. I do get phantom pains in my midfoot amputation — some days I can still feel my toes hurt.

Leen’s left foot, showing the healed ray amputation.

* * *

Shannon: Unlike other modifications, I think a lot of people have a guttural response to amputation and have difficulty convincing themselves it’s not always negative — that it’s universally “wrong” to induce a “handicap”…

Amputation is not like piercings and tattoos, which are more of an art form. Most people see amputation as a disability, and yes, you will struggle to do certain things, but to we who want amputations that is part of the fun! We know what to expect from life with one leg or arm — disability is all in the mind.

Shannon: So your amputations have been a completely good thing?

I love my amputations; I talk about them and show interested people my stumps… I go to gym, shower, sauna, and to the beach, and I don’t care if people look at my modifications.

Shannon: Any negatives?

Not many negatives — just the bleeding risks during the procedures.

Shannon: Are they your favorite body modification?

The amputations are my favorites. I get such a high amputating a body part! The feeling when the chisel cuts your toe off, and it just lies there, unattached to your body, and goes completely white… I just love that feeling!

Shannon: Do you think you have a specific end goal, or will you continue to do procedures to keep getting the high?

There is an end goal. I want to be a left above the knee amputee. I won’t amputate fingers.

Shannon: How do you explain the amputations to people?

People at work think I am unlucky!

Shannon: And the doctors?

The doctors believe what I tell them. For example, for my missing testicle — since I live in South Africa where there is a lot of violence and crime, I just told them that I put up a fight when a couple of guys wanted to mug me, and one of them fell on top of me and stabbed me in my groin area. They believed it and asked me if I wanted to go to the police — I said no, it was dark and I didn’t get a good look at their faces.

Shannon: Has anyone gotten suspicious?

Nobody has gotten suspicious. They may think that I have been unlucky, but even when I went to the ER they believed all my explanations. It also helps that I have had diabetes for twenty years, so it is normal to get infections in your feet that don’t heal which result in amputations. Nobody knows that I help the infections along and make sure they don’t heal so I can have amputations done professionally by a doctor.

Shannon: And what does your wife think?

She does not know.

Shannon: Wow… so you’re not “out” at all — how would you feel if people found out your amputations were voluntary?

I don’t really care if people find out they were all voluntary. They will get over it — there are more important things to worry about.

Shannon: Are you interested in meeting others with this interest? Assuming you weren’t married, if you were looking for a partner, would you seek out someone with this interest?

It’s easier if you have things in common — partners should have the same interests… and I would like to touch and play with women with amputations.

Shannon: With the majority of amputee groups being very fantasy/fetish oriented, does it make it difficult to meet others with the same drives?

It is difficult to find somebody to talk, to but there are a few in those groups that will answer your questions and give advice. The most I have learned is by reading the articles on your website BME [Editor’s shameless plug: if you find this interesting and want to hear more stories and see more pictures, get a BME membership and visit the full galleries].

Shannon: What advice would you give to people who feel like this is what they need to do?

If they believe that this is what they want, they must do it, no matter what society or their friends say or think about it. They must just be 100% sure that this is what they want, because if you amputate something it is gone forever!

Shannon: What are your future body modification plans?

I am going to amputate one segment of my middle toe on my right foot, just to get the proportions right for now. I am still going to become a left above knee amputee — that is my long term plan, my dream… Also I’ll do a glansectomy or partial penectomy.

A current photo of Leen’s feet healed after the midfoot procedure.

Shannon: Finally, something that I’ve heard brought up repeatedly by others is that voluntary amputation is an insult to people who’ve had it forced on them by fate — do you think that statement has any validity, and what would you say to someone who feels that way?

It has no validity at all. Voluntary amputations are just away to get our bodies into the shape we want them to be.

Shannon Larratt
BME.com