Hey everybody, it’s the NBA playoffs! You know what that means, right? You guessed it: idiotic columns from hateful jerk-offs about how tattoos are ruining the NBA! This time around, we’ve got Kyle McNary of the Minneapolis Sports Examiner waxing moronic. Does this horseshit warrant an FJM-style takedown? Oh, hell yes.

It sounds superficial. It probably is superficial. But, watching the NBA has become almost a chore for me, not because the talent is diluted and the art of great passing is all but gone, though it most certainly is, but because more than three quarters of NBA players have ugly tattoos.

I’m going to make a wild assumption here and guess that McNary hasn’t actually been an NBA fan in quite some time. He thinks the quality of game-play has declined, but that’s not why it’s a “chore” for him to watch—it’s because of the tattoos! This is akin to saying you have trouble watching NASCAR because of all the stickers on the cars, or that the San Diego Padres are unwatchable when they’re wearing those hideous camouflage jerseys. (When, in fact, both NASCAR and the Padres are unwatchable for entirely different reasons.) (Because they are both terrible, you see.)

Yes, I’m prejudiced against people with tattoos. I think they made a big mistake, I question their decision-making skills, and I think they probably lack in self esteem.

This sort of silly screed almost always retreats to this argument—that tattoos are absolutely a sign of lacking self-esteem. This has become the “terrorists hate us for our freedom” of the anti-tattoo crowd.

I think a small tattoo on a sailor’s forearm is okay, but more than a silver dollar size is too much. I think they make women look trashy, hence the word “tramp stamp,” though Beyonce could have her whole body tattooed and she’s (sic) still be gorgeous. I guess I just don’t get it.

Hey, all you men and women in the Navy, listen up. Kyle McNary thinks it’s just fine and dandy to get a small anchor or a single pair of breasts tattooed on your forearm, but anything more than that is probably a sign of a mind so wrought with self-image issues that you are unfit to serve the nation. He is correct. Beyonce, however, may cover herself in all the shitty tattoos she pleases, and Mr. McNary will be happy to continue to pleasure himself to her, because she would still be a strong and confident woman.

Evidently, when McNary says he doesn’t “get it,” “it” refers to “how to construct a meaningful and consistent argument.”

I’ve been watching the conference finals the past week, and the games have been pretty exciting.

Even though the NBA sucks now, right?

Not many people would have guessed that the Orlando Magic would be a Lebron three-pointer away from leading three games to none. But….I can’t get past these tattoos.

There are two players, one in each series, who must have OCTD–Obsessive Compulsive Tattoo Disorder.

One of the many dreaded side-effects of low self-esteem, naturally. TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT OCTD!

On the Cleveland Cavaliers, Delonte West looks like he belongs in a circus. After filling up both arms, West actually walked into a tattoo parlor and said, “stick some needles in my neck.” It’s hard to tell where one ends and another starts, but he has at least a dozen tattoos, and looks like a moron. Sorry, but he does.

You know, Delonte West and I very rarely hang out, so I can’t say for certain, but…oh Christ, yes, I can say for certain that he did not actually walk into a tattoo parlor and say, “Stick some needles in my neck.” This is not the way people speak to each other. When you head to Olive Garden for your weekly pre-Idol free breadsticks, do you demand from your waiter, “HEY, CRAM SOME STARCHES IN MY FACE”?

In the West, the Denver Nuggets’ Chris Anderson is nicknamed “birdman,” supposedly because he can fly to the basket, and he flaps his arms after a big play. I actually think it’s a good nickname because he looks like a peacock.

Awesome. Nailed it. Great joke.

Basketball, when played right, can be a thing of beauty. But, the two-bit punk attitudes, tattoos and chest-beating has made a great sport look like a thug convention.

So, your problems with basketball currently include:

– Diluted talent pool
– Poor passing techniques
– Tattoos
– Punk attitudes
– Flashy play/“chest-beating”

So, you’re bothered by the quality of the athletes, the culture of the game and participants themselves…maybe, just maybe, you’ve outgrown the NBA? Seriously. There’s no shame in admitting that you and a former passion have moved in opposite directions as time has gone on. If the NBA offends you so much, why not stick to college ball, or the WNBA? Why punish yourself with continued patronage of a league with which you no longer feel a connection?

The Indiana Pacers’ Marquis Daniels had a tattoo of a man committing suicide (lovely), Gilbert Arenas has the words “change we believe in” on his fingers in honor of Barack Obama, Luke Walton has a tattoo in honor of the Grateful Dead, and Tim Duncan has a tattoo covering his chest in honor of the nerdy game Dungeons and Dragons. The most idiotic reason for getting a tattoo? Amare Stoudemire wins the award. The Sun’s star claims that “if I died right now, my kids could get to know me by my tats.” Uh, Amare, why don’t you just talk to your kids!

First of all, it’s truly wonderful that admist all your incessant jabbering about how tattoos are a sign of the thug culture that’s destroying the NBA, you reference Gilbert Arenas’s Obama tattoo, Tim Duncan’s Dungeons and Dragons tattoo and Luke Walton’s Grateful Dead tribute. THUGGISHNESS ABOUNDS.

Also, Amare’s kids are about two and three years old. They’re barely human beings at this point. Maybe he’s covered himself with symbols important enough to him that his kids could maybe glean some insight into the man’s life once they’re able to, you know, speak and remember things?

Nah, you’re right. He’s probably just some absentee fuck-up covered with “gang tatz.” You goddamn clown.