[Animal NY] Hoo boy, is this not just the most irritating story ever or what? OK, so, as we (and everybody) mentioned previously, 18-year-old Kimberley Vlaeminck allegedly went to Romanian tattoo artist Rouslan Toumaniantz and ended up with 56 stars tattooed all over her face. She claims she only asked for three and then fell asleep, which is just a preposterously stupid lie, while Toumaniantz says that she knew full well what was happening and only freaked out once her father or boyfriend or whoever lost their respective shit. Now she is suing the tattoo artist, because she wants the stars removed, of course. Is your brain leaking out of your ears yet? Mine is!

Anyway, my initial response to this mess of foolishness was that it was a hoax, because, come on: Nobody involved in this situation could be deranged/myopic enough for any of this to be real, right? Well, Toumaniantz is apparently a member over at BodyMod.org and posted this response, saying he did, in fact, tattoo this crazy person. Hooray.

Then, the girl said she felt asleep during the tattoo session. But :

1) Tattoo hurts,
2) Tattoo hurts more on face than on most other places,
3) Tattoo hurts even more on the nose than on the face,
4) Apart from the pain factor, the emotional impact of a first tattoo is huge, which makes it even less likely to sleep during such a session,
5) During this tattoo I had to ask Kimberley to change quite often her position, because the face isn’t flat and you need to always adjust the persons position and yours to be able to tattoo,
6) Kimberley did stand up many times during the session and did check up the work in a mirror,
7) We spoke during a part of the session,
8) The call log of her mobile phone and SMS activity could easily show that from the start of the session to its end she wasn’t sleeping,
9) And most importantly, a witness, being totally independent from both sides saw all the session from its start to the end, and confirms every word above. Kortrijk police made an inquiry, and both of us (me and the witness) were conducted shortly after Kimberley tattoo was finished to the police station, and both of us said exactly what did happen, and therefore gave exactly the same version of the events. Copies of minutes (in Flemish) we can provide.

So Kimberly was absolutely aware of what was happening during all the tattoo session and got what she asked, no more no less.

So that’s the end of it, right? Poor judgment on his part for tattooing an unstable teenager’s face, maybe, but she’s still a dirty rotten liar…right? Well, except for the fact that there is now some dumb Internet toy called The Kimberlizer, which allows people to decorate photos of themselves with the same star pattern as our young heroine, and…you see where this is going, don’t you? From Animal NY:

Among the few media outlets to interview the starlet is Belgian radio station MNM, who’s advertising agency, Famous, is behind the Kimberlizer. A French newspaper says the website, which allows visitors to digitally place 56 stars on their face via webcam, was opened in April, well before the story happened. Additionally, theorists point out that MNM’s logo is a star, just like the ones covering Kimberley Vlaeminck.

In conclusion, no matter what the truth ends up being, there will almost surely not be a more aggravating tattoo-related story all year. BME extends hearty congratulations to everybody involved. Let’s all take turns punching each other in the brains, forever.

[CBS 42] At last, our long national nightmare is over! Megan Fox, the most famous tattooed person since, I don’t know, the Memento guy, has decided to heed her mother’s advice and stop mucking up her body with the devil’s ink. Let us pray.

Fox recently announced plans to cover her entire right arm with ink – but she’s now backed out of the scheme insisting she won’t be heading to the tattoo parlor again any time soon.

She says, “They’re definitely addictive. I don’t have any that I truly regret yet, but I’m sure I will at some point.”

“I’m trying to refrain from going forward for that reason. I don’t want to be 40, looking at my arm in the mirror and going, ‘Oh my God – what did I do?’”

In exchange for this promise, Fox’s mom will now let her wear make-up to school and have sleepovers every Saturday night.

[Vancouver Sun] And finally, let’s finish this wretchedly awful news week with reports that yet another Canadian tattoo and piercing shop is giving all of its customers HIV and every type of hepatitis, except this time it’s not just a matter of lazy paperwork: The clown at the centre of this story is “Zipp,” the proprietor of Edmonton, Alberta’s Zipp’s Tattoo and Museum, who, well…

On a spur-of-the-moment whim and fuelled with a bit of liquid courage, Corinda got a tattoo of a Playboy bunny on her left hip two months ago.

Now, the 26-year-old is stepping forward to be tested for HIV and hepatitis B and C after the health authority closed Zipp’s Tattoo and Museum shop at Whyte Avenue and 100th Street because of unsanitary practices and sterilization concerns over reusable piercing and tattooing equipment.

The owner told health inspectors he had been recently tattooing animals in his studio, but denied tattooing people.

The health authority is now asking people to come forward for testing.

Hey, come on! The guy is just trying to run your average illegal animal-tattooing dungeon. What’s the big deal? Prudes.

Charges are being considered by the health authority since Zipp’s –in business at another Whyte Avenue location since 1978–was also closed in 2007 because of unsanitary conditions and infection control. At that time, the health inspector said the risk of contracting blood-borne pathogens was considered low because the proprietor used single-use, disposable needles.

[…]

Health inspectors closed the tattoo parlour June 5 after noting the owner didn’t wash his hands before performing procedures and didn’t wear gloves.

Dirty and unsterile instruments were being used on clients, and the ultrasonic cleaning device was not being operated in a sanitary way. Ink went unlabelled and instruments, including needles, were improperly stored and handled.

In all fairness, the child laborers Zipp had “hired” to oversee the cleanliness of the shop totally dropped the ball. “Wah, my fingers hurt, wah, I’m hungry,” they would cry, long into the night, while Zipp tattooed pig after pig, laughing his terrible laugh, the end.