[Goldcoast] As we’ve discussed in the past, henna is, above most other things, an insidious plot by any number of shadowy poison syndicates to horrifically mangle and mutilate your young children. Don’t believe it? Well listen, then, to the tale of young Cannon Cribb:

The five-year-old recently returned from Bali where locals painted a dragon on his arm with what his parents now realise was a substance containing para-phenylenediamine (PPD).

All was fine until the tattoo wore off completely and the entire area welted into the shape of the original image, some two weeks after it was first put on.

The family now fear Cannon will be left with a life-long scar.

First of all, this kid’s name is Cannon. How awesome is that? Even money that he’s already the most popular in his class just because of that, and now he’s got a dragon on his arm? Look, it’s terrible in a lot of ways and something clearly has to be done about the shitbags who keep using this low-grade junk (it’s actually the additive PPD and not henna itself that causes this reaction, and the boy’s mother makes a very valid point: “‘What if a little girl got a butterfly on her face?”), but holy crap this kid is going to get so much ass. I mean, not as a five-year-old. Oh, God, no. We don’t support that. Plus, it’s not really physiologically possible. Hopefully. Who knows what kinda mutant hormones they’re draining into milk these days.

[Showbiz Spy] So hey, here is a very important article about popular sex actress Megan Fox, who, as it turns out, is just like everyone else out there who was mildly overbearing parents! Megan was all, “Hey I want to get tattooed,” and her mom was all, “But you’re so pretty already,” and Megan was all, “But I really really want a sleeve,” and her mom was all, “There’ll be none of that under my roof, young lady,” and Megan was all, “I’M A GROWN WOMAN I CAN DO WHAT I WANT,” and her mom was all, “RAAAAAAR NO YOU WON’T, NOW EAT YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS,” and so Megan ran to her room and slammed the door and cried herself to sleep, the end.

Megan Fox’s mother, Darlene, hates it when her superstar daughter gets a new tattoo.

Darlene is apparently furious at the Transformers star’s plans to cover her entire right arm in a tattoo “sleeve.”

“Her mom has never understood why her daughter would want to cover her gorgeous body with tattoos,” said an insider. “After each new tattoo, Darlene pleaded with Megan not to get more.

“Darlene believes that when Megan is a 40-year-old woman wanting to play more mature roles, people won’t want to hire her because it will be too hard to cover her tattoos.”

God it must really suck to be Megan Fox these days.

[NBA FanHouse] And finally, in celebration of tonight’s game three of everyone’s favorite NBA Finals between the Lakers and Magic, here is another heartbreaking tale of authoritarian power trying to limit the expression of tattooed people, except instead of parents it’s a multi-billion dollar clothing company, and instead of Megan Fox it’s a seven-foot-tall Polish man. Practically the same thing. Anyway, Marcin Gortat, back-up center for Orlando, has been a pleasant surprise for anybody betting on the Magic these playoffs, but apparently his sponsor, Reebok, is none too pleased with the way he’s chosen to adorn himself with terrible inky idolatry:

[Gortat] received an uncomfortable phone call last weekend from Reebok, with whom he has a shoe contract. Representatives of the company were not happy to see a picture of him from Game 1 in a Polish newspaper that prominently displayed his Michael Jordan/Nike logo tattoo on his lower right leg.

Reebok asked him either to wear higher socks tonight to cover up the tattoo, or to apply makeup so it will not be noticed through the rest of the NBA Finals.

“They called and said I had to do something about it, but that ain’t going to happen,” Gortat said after Tuesday morning’s workout.

“I’ve been wearing it 4-5 years now, and it helped me get to the NBA,” said Gortat. “They didn’t say anything about it when I signed the contract, so it’s not going anywhere. I don’t think they are paying me enough to take it off.”

[Chicago Sun-Times] Hey, Chicago sports-fans! Think you’re the biggest homer around, with your shelf full of bobbleheads and closet full of jerseys and your vial full of Jay Cutler’s…”essence”? Well, think again. As the photos from Ruben Brown’s Motorcycle Run—”a charity ride that raises cash for the Salvation Army”—will show, Glenn Timmermann’s got you beat.

Timmermann, 45, a Round Lake Beach factory manager who has covered his body in Bears-related tattoos. He has 92 autographs inked on to him permanently, highlighted by Da Coach’s signature across the back of his skull.

Ninety-two Bears-related autographs! Sweet fancy Moses. (This also bests the previous ModBlog record-holder of 89 autograph tattoos, for the record.) That said, I’d be more impressed if he got all of these folks to actually tattoo their own signatures into him. Take it from me, kids: You haven’t lived until you’ve been laid out on Mike Ditka’s lap while he taps his name into the back of your head with one hand, eats several pounds of wings with the other hand and calls you a pussy with either fiber of his being.

[Swing By The Balls] Once upon a time, Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails got his hands on an old BME video called “Roy’s Nut Hang.” I don’t remember the exact story, but he and his band watched it in the studio and everybody, to a man, was thoroughly disgusted, with Reznor calling it something along the lines of “the sickest shit I’ve ever seen,” before the damn kids turned “sick” into a good thing. (Reznor, keep in mind, had worked with Bob Flanagan on the “Happiness in Slavery” video, so he was no stranger to BDSM and extreme body manipulation.) All of which is to say, I’m not going to say the linked video necessarily compares with Roy’s nut hang of yore, but it’s one hell of an impressive feat nonetheless, and there’s a gold star in it for anyone who gets ol’ Trent to watch it.

[Daily Record] Well, here’s a real piece of shit. Local scumbag Jeffrey Dekmar of Stockholm, New Jersey, a 17-year veteran of The Tattoo Factory in Roxbury, has had a mess of legal troubles lately. This is just abysmal:

Dekmar was first accused in February of sexually assaulting a client at the Ledgewood tattoo parlor while inking a Hebrew prayer on the 23-year-old woman’s upper thigh on Feb. 21. Shortly after he was arrested on that sexual assault allegation, he was served with a second complaint that stated he rubbed his genitals against another woman’s genitals, without her consent, at The Tattoo Factory on Feb. 21.

The patron who wanted the prayer inked on her skin has alleged that she refused Dekmar’s request that she remove her underpants, but that he tugged them down, digitally penetrated her, and then said, “My bad,” according to an arrest complaint.

Holy crap, guys! Does that work? Can you just pull down a girl’s underpants, poke around a little and then get out of it with a simple, “My bad”? Jesus. Somebody give this guy the Nobel Prize. Anyway, this failure is back in the news because he’s been charged with breaking into his former place of employment and stealing about $200—this, of course, while on bail following that whole fingerbanging fiasco. Of course.

[PR Web] And finally, let’s wrap up this round-up with a touching story about tattoos, the American Dream, World of Warcraft and…boobs. Huh. Well! This was legitimately news to me, but apparently, if one were so inclined, one is able to purchase “gold” from a third-party web site to use as currency in the popular computer game World of Warcraft. So, one of these sites, MYMMOShop.com, has deduced that online gaming and porn may have some crossover fans, and have capitalized on this market in a fairly provocative manner!

MyMMOShop.com has paid Russian porn star Anna Morgan to tattoo their company’s logo and website URL to her breasts. The company feels that her natural dd sized breasts will provide an ample space for the advertisement. Given the number of films porn stars tend to make in a year’s time, the tattoo should be seen many thousands of times. Anna has agreed not to alter the tattoo for at least two years.

[...]

“A female porn star can easily appear in 50-100 films per year so this gives mymmoshop.com a lot of exposure for years to come,” according to Hunter Crowell the media relations office for the company.

Quick! Someone steal the Nobel Prize we just awarded to the fingerbanger up there and give it to the ad wizards who came up with this scheme. But seriously.

With the Super Bowl just around the corner, it’s the season for poorly conceived bets and all manner of bribery in exchange for tickets! What fun, right? And really, what better way to prove one’s devotion to a football (that is “soccer,” to Europeans, or something) team than getting a tattoo of, wait, a radio station logo? Hey, whatever works. Fredy Gutierrez, a fellow Arizona Cardinals fan, desperately wanted to go to the big game but could not afford the estimated million-dollar ticket price, but luckily, Phoenix-area radio station 620 KTAR was having a sadistic contest in which some poor sap need only tattoo their ass with the station’s call letters to receive two of these golden tickets. Mission accomplished! Photographic evidence above.

Gutierrez is taking his nine-year-old son, Marcus, to Sunday’s game.

“The only thing I can say is that I hope that my son enjoys it,” Gutierrez said about the game.

Marcus said he is looking forward to going to the game, and will likely have memories from the experience that will last a lifetime - just like his father will.

What does Gutierrez’s wife think about the new tattoo?

“She thinks I’m pretty crazy,” Gutierrez said.

Ha ha, crazy indeed. At least he got something out of it, though — consider the curious case of Deadspin editor A.J Daulerio, a Philadelphia Eagles fan who made a bet with former Deadspin editor and Arizona Cardinals fan, Will Leitch, when those two teams played each other in last week’s conference championship. Among the items Daulerio put on the line in the event of an Eagles loss (others included treating Leitch to a sushi dinner and letting the former editor smash him in the face with a cookie sheet, on video) was getting a tattoo of a buzzsaw — a reference to a depressing nickname for the Cardinals — on his ass. He was very excited about the prospect!

Let it be known: I currently have no tattoos on any part of my body, have never had any desire to get one, nor would I even take this bet unless I was 100 percent convinced there would be no possibility of me losing. So there. Shock me, Buzzsaw.

But because God hates a boaster, and patchy facial hair, the Cardinals were indeed triumphant over the Eagles! Daulerio took it rather well:

If anyone knows any tattoo artists who are willing to put a buzzsaw on me, well, let me know. This fucking sucks.

And indeed, last night, the soon-to-be-tattooed design was unveiled:

Hey, that’s pretty tasteful! Meanwhile, Daulerio has quietly accepted his fate.

I’m meeting a prospective artist over at DareDevil Tattoo in the Lower East Side in a few minutes to find out just how long, painful, and ridiculous-looking this image would be. Many people have tried to talk me out of following through with my end of the Mayor’s Bet (including the Emeritus himself), but, personally, I feel like not following through with it would be even more lame than actually having a buzzsaw tattoo forever.

Well, Daulerio is nothing if not a man of his word. This afternoon, he did indeed make the journey to Dare Devil Tattoo, and displayed the stoicism one hopes for in a “blogger,” as it were.

I was under the impression that tattoos, even the most pedestrian ones in the shape of power tools, would take a long period of time. Thankfully, Michelle from Dare Devil Tattoo is well-honed in her craft. It only took about 20 minutes, was relatively painless, and no blood was spilled. But now I’m forever scarred and, also, forever an unintentional lifelong supporter of The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals. Or woodworking.

Hey, it could be worse! You could be getting hit in the face with a cookie she— oh, right. Well, all’s well that ends well, or something. Did Daulerio at least learn a lesson from this sordid tale of intrigue?

I will never, ever bet on the Philadelphia Eagles again.

[...]

Fuck you, Eagles.

That’s the spirit! Go Buzzsaw!

He Did What? [620 KTAR]
Hope. Change. Buzzsaw Tattoos, The Buttsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals [Deadspin]

I do not really know anything about soccer. In fact, everything I know about it, I pretty much learned from this blog post. But a cursory reading of Wikipedia will show that this impressive portrait tattoo is of Juan Sebastián Verón, an Argentine footballer currently manning the midfield for Estudiantes de La Plata. Apparently, Verón is kind of a big deal:

In 2004, he was chosen for the FIFA 100, a list of the 125 greatest living footballers selected by Pelé as part of FIFA’s centenary observances.

Wait a second — I’m no word scientist or nothin’, but why is the FIFA 100 a list of 125 players? Man, I really don’t understand soccer at all.

I think my favorite part of my interview with Kim Saigh was the bit where she challenged the idea that every tattoo must have a deep, philosophical meaning, and the prevailing notion that important moments in one’s life must be commemorated with a tattoo. “It should have significance,” she said, “but I always tell people that you should get tattooed because you like tattoos. You do not have to memorialize someone by getting a tattoo — it doesn’t mean you love them less if you don’t.”

With that said, hats are off to Dan, the subject of the above video, and a huge fan of the NFL’s Detroit Lions, who just put on the most abjectly terrible, historically bad season, probably in sports history, going a soul-crushing 0-16. To celebrate, Dan had the following monument to mediocrity etched into his chest:

At least he seems to be in good humor about it. But the money quote comes from his wife:

“I’m super embarrassed right now, but what am I gonna do? I love him. He’s my husband. Go Lions.”

That is some seriously touching commitment. But what does the sports blogosphere think of this? Let’s check in with Matt Ufford, editor of With Leather and a co-founder of Kissing Suzy Kolber:

The report card for your life just came in. Wanna know what you got?

F - -

Thanks, Matt! Go Lions!

Huh. You know, I usually just use a rolled-up newspaper or a wet towel when I want to swat at an angel, but hey, to each his own.

[The Sporting Blog] Spencer Hall over at the TSB checked in this morning with a tale of intrigue and deceit (and poor decision-making) that could only have occurred within the confines of collegiate sports. Kirby Freeman signed with the Miami Hurricanes a little while back and, in an attempt to assert his devotion to the team, got the team’s “U” logo tattooed on his back. Well, as Hall writes, sometimes these things aren’t meant to be. Things were going well …

Until now! (DUH-DUH-DAAAAAAHHH.) Freeman transferred to Baylor after losing his starting QB job, and has had the tattoo changed to either a zero or an “O” for “Ohmigod, that is one lopsized zero. Did you play for Oregon?”

[...]

This reminder that a scholarship is four years, but a tattoo is for life comes from The Sporting Blog.

Sound advice!

[Intelligencer] Ha ha, so apparently all the children in Belleville, Ontario, have taken up the time-honored tradition of good old-fashioned cigarette smoking, and some of the elders are displeased. A youth activism group, Unfiltered, has taken up the task of weaning these kids off smoking by handing out temporary tattoos, apparently? At this point, this article takes a delightful turn wherein the townspeople become very concerned that this trickery could actually lead to the young’ns wanting real tattoos, which would be at least as bad as them smoking a pack a day, probably.

“People have been smoking forever, but we just found out that it’s not healthy,” Dolan said. “People have had tattoos forever, maybe it’s going to take us a longer term to find out it’s not healthy.”

Dolan told the board he has been told permanent tattoos put a strain on the body because some of the ink enters the individual’s bloodstream and is then filtered through the body. This, he said, puts an extra strain on some organs.

Dr. Richard Schabas, medical officer of health, said he was not aware of any medical problems linked to tattoos. The only concerns, he said, would be with the needles used to inject the ink. If those needles are not properly sanitized there can be infection problems.

Schabas said the health unit does carry out routine inspections of tattoo parlours in the area. However, he told Dolan there may be some validity to his concern.

“As a matter of policy, I’m not sure we should be encouraging tattoos,” he said.

Schabas said using temporary tattoos to appeal to children is an understandable tactic but may need to be re-examined.

“You walk a fine line here, Bob. You want to relate to kids but, on the other hand, we want to ask ourselves if we want to normalize a behaviour that, maybe, we don’t want to,” he said.

First of all, yes, we “just found out” cigarettes aren’t healthy, what, yesterday? Sixty years ago? Whatever. Anyway, this whole thing makes my brain collapse in on itself. How old are these kids that are smoking? If they’re over the age of 10, I don’t think the temporary tattoo offensive is going to have much success, sadly. But at least the Belleville town council is doing its part to combat the “normalizing” of Pagan dick-choppery like tattoos and such. Can you imagine what it would be like to live in a world where people thought it was OK to get tattoos? Terrifying.

[NY Post] Continuing this election season’s trend of all candidates (and their families) engaging in ritualistic anti-American ink-jamming, as they call it, Caroline Kennedy, one of the front-runners to fill Hillary Clinton’s vacant Senate seat, apparently has a miniscule tattoo on her forearm that nobody had ever noticed until the New York Post realized they were short a column the other day. It is apparently a butterfly but it may as well be a birthmark or a bruise — it is seriously barely there. Naturally, though, because she is a Kennedy, and there is always some sort of sordid tale behind everything those freaks do, this is not just some innocuous splotch of ink:

Kennedy got the tattoo while vacationing with her family in Asia during the late 1980s.

During a night out in Hong Kong, Caroline, her brother, John F. Kennedy Jr., and her cousins Edward “Teddy” Kennedy Jr., 47, and Kara Anne Kennedy, 48, challenged one another with a mischievous dare, a source said, noting that the group had consumed a few drinks.

The boys challenged the girls to get a late-night “tat” at a nearby parlor.

Caroline and Kara went first and emerged “bruised and bloodied,” emblazoned with butterflies on their arms.

But when it came time for Teddy and John Jr. to reciprocate, the men “chickened out,” refusing to go through with the dare, the source said.

When reached for comment, Kennedy corrected the horrible newspaper, and said she actually got the tattoo on a dare from Governor David Paterson, thereby securing Clinton’s Senate seat. Ha ha, timely references.

[Twitter] Hey, did you know BME has its own Twitter feed? True story! If you like BME, but don’t feel like it’s quite pithy enough for you, add us! And while you’re at it, head on over to BME Shop! The holidays are fast approaching, and there’s no better present for grandma than one o’ them split cock T-shirts. And keep on sending in your photos of you decked out in BME gear and jewelry!

[YouTube] This one’s a little on the esoteric side, but do you know BME mainstay and perpetual image-leaderboard contender Perk900? (Of course you do.) Well, some time ago, he apparently worked at Blockbuster Video and was the subject of a short film, which you can see below. Did someone say Cable Ace Award?

I think I just puked my pants.

[Big League Stew] ‘Duk over at Yahoo! Sports’s Big League Stew passes along a video from Mouthpiece Sports featuring the world’s last remaining Barry Bonds fan. Bonds, of course, was found guilty by an international tribunal of mass-producing all the world’s steroids in a sweatshop inside his skull and running around cold stickin’ baseball players with syringes full of dinosaur semen and such. After his conviction, he was sentenced to fight Jose Canseco to the death inside the Thunderdome, but was granted clemency, and now lives on a remote steroid farm in the Canadian north with Mark McGwire and their seven children. Anyway, this is one of the kids, showing off his Barry Bonds jersey tattoo:

[Right Celebrity] Sweet holy dogshit this is the most awkward thing I’ve seen all day. World-famous playboy and the only man who can pull off the three-day mustache, Brad Pitt, was on Oprah the other day fielding questions from every maniac with a microphone, apparently. At one point, some fan-girl from the Oprah head office hijacked a video feed and began pestering Pitt about his tattoos, which, he, as someone resembling a normal person, didn’t want to discuss on account of them being private. The conversation went something like this:

Insane Woman: HEY BRAD BIG FAN HUGE FAN HEY POP OFF THAT SHIRT AND LET’S SEE SOME TATSSSS

Brad Pitt: Ha ha, good one, but I’d rather not. It’s a fun connection to have with your partner, but it’s private.

Insane Woman: NO REALLY I HEARD YOU GOT A SICK ICEMAN TAT ON YOUR ARM! HAHAHA WHAT DOES ICEMAN MEAN, DOES IT MEAN YOU WANNA DO SOME CRAZY SEXING WITH ME, HAHA GODDAMN BOOYAH

Brad Pitt: Please stop asking me about my tattoos, they’re personal.

Insane Woman: C’MONNN RIP OPEN THAT SWEATER AND LET’S FREAK RIGHT ON THE TOM CRUISE COUCH, I SEEN PIXXX OF SOME INK ON YOUR TUM-TUM, YOU GONNA SWEAT IT OFFFFFF OH SHIT

Brad Pitt: I am leaving the planet of earth.

NOTE: No delicious, delicious fish were harmed in the making of this tattoo by Todo at ABT Tattoo in Hampton, Georgia.