[Adam Riff] The captains of industry over at Adam Riff have been running weekly clips from a Jackass-style video made by Respect Authority, many of which are positively cringe-worthy. This week’s installment features the young gentleman on the receiving end of the most unsanitary and most improperly placed nipple piercing in the history of both nipples and piercing. If you’re the sort of person who’s offended by piercings being performed without gloves, some manner of sanitizer, or any adherence to anatomy whatsoever, you should probably shoot yourself in the eyeballs before watching this.

I think I just puked my pants.

[Big League Stew] ‘Duk over at Yahoo! Sports’s Big League Stew passes along a video from Mouthpiece Sports featuring the world’s last remaining Barry Bonds fan. Bonds, of course, was found guilty by an international tribunal of mass-producing all the world’s steroids in a sweatshop inside his skull and running around cold stickin’ baseball players with syringes full of dinosaur semen and such. After his conviction, he was sentenced to fight Jose Canseco to the death inside the Thunderdome, but was granted clemency, and now lives on a remote steroid farm in the Canadian north with Mark McGwire and their seven children. Anyway, this is one of the kids, showing off his Barry Bonds jersey tattoo:

[Right Celebrity] Sweet holy dogshit this is the most awkward thing I’ve seen all day. World-famous playboy and the only man who can pull off the three-day mustache, Brad Pitt, was on Oprah the other day fielding questions from every maniac with a microphone, apparently. At one point, some fan-girl from the Oprah head office hijacked a video feed and began pestering Pitt about his tattoos, which, he, as someone resembling a normal person, didn’t want to discuss on account of them being private. The conversation went something like this:

Insane Woman: HEY BRAD BIG FAN HUGE FAN HEY POP OFF THAT SHIRT AND LET’S SEE SOME TATSSSS

Brad Pitt: Ha ha, good one, but I’d rather not. It’s a fun connection to have with your partner, but it’s private.

Insane Woman: NO REALLY I HEARD YOU GOT A SICK ICEMAN TAT ON YOUR ARM! HAHAHA WHAT DOES ICEMAN MEAN, DOES IT MEAN YOU WANNA DO SOME CRAZY SEXING WITH ME, HAHA GODDAMN BOOYAH

Brad Pitt: Please stop asking me about my tattoos, they’re personal.

Insane Woman: C’MONNN RIP OPEN THAT SWEATER AND LET’S FREAK RIGHT ON THE TOM CRUISE COUCH, I SEEN PIXXX OF SOME INK ON YOUR TUM-TUM, YOU GONNA SWEAT IT OFFFFFF OH SHIT

Brad Pitt: I am leaving the planet of earth.