[The Celebrity Cafe] Well well well, guess who’s too good for his tattoos all of a sudden? That chump over on the right, Mister Fancy Hip Hop Producer Pharrell, who you may remember from occasionally whistling and snapping his fingers in the background of Snoop Dogg songs. (OK, he did a fine job on that last Clipse album, too.) Anyway, Johnny Jackerson there used to have all kinds of tattoos, but that era has come to an end! Because he is an adult.

Although Pharrell would not give exact numbers, he did say that regardless of the price he plans to go ahead with the surgery.

“It’s going to be pricey, but worth it,” he says. “I got fire on my arms! I’m a grown man!”

Some vicious Internet rumors, however, have suggested that he is just going to fill his arms right back up with the devil’s ink, and this was just a means to start with a blank canvas. Although this was a laser procedure, that wasn’t always the plan! At first, Pharrell was looking into some experimental grafting process in which the tattoos wouldn’t actually be removed at all, but would have instead been covered with brand new skin, grown on some horrific eugenics flesh farm.

[He] is trying a revolutionary new tattoo removal procedure, which involves applying replicated skin over old body art.

“It’s basically like getting a skin graft, but you’re not taking skin from your ass or your legs. These guys actually grow the skin for you,” he explained to Vogue. “First you have to give them a sample of your skin, which they then replicate. Once that’s been done, they sew it on – and it’s seamless.”

On his blog, however, he wrote, “Laser treatment bitches! Extra crispy. See, no skin graft here, just pure laser pain. This is our own version of Mythbusters! Laser is the new primer.” See, Rob? Some people absolutely do Twitter from the emergency room.

[KMPH] And this just isn’t funny at all. Local Fresno, California, shitbag Enrique Gonzalez, a Bulldog gang member, held down his seven-year-old son while some other fool tattooed a paw print onto the kid’s stomach.

Police discovered the tattooed child on Monday, and soon after arrested the man responsible for the tattoo; 20-year-old Travis Gorman of Fresno. Gorman, a parolee, was arrested on Tuesday, and booked into the Fresno County Jail after he was positively identified by the child as the man who tattooed him. Tattoo paraphernalia was also discovered during his arrest.

Admittedly, everything I know about California gangs I learned from watching The Shield, but that show sure made it seem like gangs down there just willy-nilly tattoo people they consider their property. Whatever happened to just wearing distinctive colors? I miss the ’90s sometimes.

[Guardian] Finally, we’ve mentioned former Palin-child-beau Levi Johnston and his ring-finger tattoo commemorating his love for the former vice-presidential candidate’s daughter, Bristol, but the happy pair of teenagers have called it quits! Now Levi is doing a press tour, showing up anywhere that will have him, trying to squeeze some money out of the situation. Well, last night, he and his clan were on CNN’s Larry King Live, finally answering the question all of America was waiting for: Why’d you get that tattoo instead of wearing a ring, fella?

During a bizarre exchange, King asked to see the “Bristol” tattoo on Johnston’s finger. King asked Johnston why he got the tattoo: “You know, I was – I was hunting again and I lost the ring that she gave me. And it was bad so I figured … this way I wouldn’t lose it and it would get me out of a bind, you know,” Johnston said.

We all know the jury is perpetually out on whether it’s a good idea to get the name of a sexytime partner tattooed on you, but there are many compelling cases to be made for doing that sort of thing. This may not be one of them.