[Chicago Sun-Times] Hey, Chicago sports-fans! Think you’re the biggest homer around, with your shelf full of bobbleheads and closet full of jerseys and your vial full of Jay Cutler’s…”essence”? Well, think again. As the photos from Ruben Brown’s Motorcycle Run—”a charity ride that raises cash for the Salvation Army”—will show, Glenn Timmermann’s got you beat.

Timmermann, 45, a Round Lake Beach factory manager who has covered his body in Bears-related tattoos. He has 92 autographs inked on to him permanently, highlighted by Da Coach’s signature across the back of his skull.

Ninety-two Bears-related autographs! Sweet fancy Moses. (This also bests the previous ModBlog record-holder of 89 autograph tattoos, for the record.) That said, I’d be more impressed if he got all of these folks to actually tattoo their own signatures into him. Take it from me, kids: You haven’t lived until you’ve been laid out on Mike Ditka’s lap while he taps his name into the back of your head with one hand, eats several pounds of wings with the other hand and calls you a pussy with either fiber of his being.

[Swing By The Balls] Once upon a time, Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails got his hands on an old BME video called “Roy’s Nut Hang.” I don’t remember the exact story, but he and his band watched it in the studio and everybody, to a man, was thoroughly disgusted, with Reznor calling it something along the lines of “the sickest shit I’ve ever seen,” before the damn kids turned “sick” into a good thing. (Reznor, keep in mind, had worked with Bob Flanagan on the “Happiness in Slavery” video, so he was no stranger to BDSM and extreme body manipulation.) All of which is to say, I’m not going to say the linked video necessarily compares with Roy’s nut hang of yore, but it’s one hell of an impressive feat nonetheless, and there’s a gold star in it for anyone who gets ol’ Trent to watch it.

[Daily Record] Well, here’s a real piece of shit. Local scumbag Jeffrey Dekmar of Stockholm, New Jersey, a 17-year veteran of The Tattoo Factory in Roxbury, has had a mess of legal troubles lately. This is just abysmal:

Dekmar was first accused in February of sexually assaulting a client at the Ledgewood tattoo parlor while inking a Hebrew prayer on the 23-year-old woman’s upper thigh on Feb. 21. Shortly after he was arrested on that sexual assault allegation, he was served with a second complaint that stated he rubbed his genitals against another woman’s genitals, without her consent, at The Tattoo Factory on Feb. 21.

The patron who wanted the prayer inked on her skin has alleged that she refused Dekmar’s request that she remove her underpants, but that he tugged them down, digitally penetrated her, and then said, “My bad,” according to an arrest complaint.

Holy crap, guys! Does that work? Can you just pull down a girl’s underpants, poke around a little and then get out of it with a simple, “My bad”? Jesus. Somebody give this guy the Nobel Prize. Anyway, this failure is back in the news because he’s been charged with breaking into his former place of employment and stealing about $200—this, of course, while on bail following that whole fingerbanging fiasco. Of course.

[PR Web] And finally, let’s wrap up this round-up with a touching story about tattoos, the American Dream, World of Warcraft and…boobs. Huh. Well! This was legitimately news to me, but apparently, if one were so inclined, one is able to purchase “gold” from a third-party web site to use as currency in the popular computer game World of Warcraft. So, one of these sites, MYMMOShop.com, has deduced that online gaming and porn may have some crossover fans, and have capitalized on this market in a fairly provocative manner!

MyMMOShop.com has paid Russian porn star Anna Morgan to tattoo their company’s logo and website URL to her breasts. The company feels that her natural dd sized breasts will provide an ample space for the advertisement. Given the number of films porn stars tend to make in a year’s time, the tattoo should be seen many thousands of times. Anna has agreed not to alter the tattoo for at least two years.

[…]

“A female porn star can easily appear in 50-100 films per year so this gives mymmoshop.com a lot of exposure for years to come,” according to Hunter Crowell the media relations office for the company.

Quick! Someone steal the Nobel Prize we just awarded to the fingerbanger up there and give it to the ad wizards who came up with this scheme. But seriously.